A Talented, Creative Spirit
by SilverScreech
Summary: In which Jade discovers that sanity is relative. The first ever Victorious crack fic! Bade. Minor Jandré, Sade and Rade. Hilarious!


Summary: In which Jade discovers that sanity is relative. The first ever Victorious crack fic! Bade. Minor Jandré, Sade and Rade. Hilarious!

Author's Note: Hi! I'm S.S. and this is my first ever Victorious fic! I'm super excited. I've been reading a lot of Victorious fiction on here and there really aren't many crack fics. Or any at all really. Just so you know a "crack" fic is "considered the product of a deranged mind, crack fic is identified by its absurd, surprising, or ridiculous premise. The plotline might be twisted into a knot, the fic might be a thick parody, or the fic might feature an unlikely or rare pairing ("crack pairing")." This one is the middle category, a thick parody and I think fairly well written. A parody is a story that basically takes all the things that can be made fun of about a show, such as Tori being ridiculously talented and successful without any training as is done here, and makes fun of it. It's not to be taken serious so please if you review don't leave me a comment detail how OOC this fic is. I know it's OOC. THAT'S THE POINT. Thanks ya'll! Enjoyz!

* * *

Jade was in a very, very angry sort of mood.

She hadn't started the day in an angry sort of mood. In fact, it had been remarkably pleasant for another dull, repetitive Monday. She had waken up to a dreary overcast and a sharp chill wind that had evidently silenced any sort of potential birdsong wake up call. Her mother had only been mildly hung over and had even left some eggs in the fridge for Jade's breakfast. In first period Jade was, as had become the trend, shown up by Tori who for all intents and purposes did not seem to be actually trying yet seceding in everything anyway. This no long enraged Jade however, rather it just caused minor annoyance and the occasional taste of bile in the back of her throat. However it was not, surprisingly, because of Tori that Jade was enraged on this morning.

It was all Beck's fault really.

Or Bitchy Beck as she had decided to dub him after the events of this morning, or rather the events of the last two years that had accumulated this morning. She'd never really noticed this behavior before, but looking back it had always been there. Beck reminding her to finish her homework. Beck correcting her when she was insulting. Beck forcing her to eat at least once a day. Beck restraining her from her natural instinct to strangle Sikowitz with a cheese grater (it was a complicated skill).

Beck had been trying to change her all along. Change her into a calm, collected and semi-respectable member of society at large. Well, she wasn't going to put up with it anymore. She was not a calm, collected and semi-respectable member of society at large. She was a deranged, chaotic cyclone of angry teenage angst whose only concept of respect was that she better receive it or she'd have a justifiable excuse to decapitate offenders in out-of-the-way locations. If Beck couldn't appreciate her as she was, then Beck didn't deserve her as she was.

So she dumped him.

And now they came to the real reason that Jade was angry. Now she was in need of another boyfriend and the large scene caused by the Beck/Jade break-up had caused the majority of bystanders to flee the scene. The few freshman Jade had been able to locate under an over turned trash can were puny, shaken and smelled distinctly of urine. Obviously this was not the boyfriend material Jade was in need of.

Beck was the best looking boy in school. Also the most talented and popular. He was the only boy in school that had ever measured up to her in terms of overall perfectness. To have another stand by her side would be degrading, embarrassing, but unfortunately also necessary.

Jade ground her teeth together angrily as a few lone students passed by the hall across from her. One of them was Beck who was laughing uproaringly at something a girl, possibly a freshman by her size, had said. As Jade watch giggled and reached to take Beck's hand. Jade waited for Beck to pull away, muttering an awkward apology. Jade waited for Beck to say something enduring, causing the smile to falter on her perfectly round face. Jade waited for Beck to do _something. _But he didn't, he just kept walking, hand-in-hand with freshman girl until they had left Jade's line of site.

Jade realized that she would have to seek advice from outside sources in order to retaliate.

Jade had always thought that Tori was one of the most annoying creatures to ever set foot in Hollywood Arts. One of the reasons Tori was likely so annoying was that she seemed eternally present in Jade's life, always getting in the way of her goals and upstaging her without a second thought in everything. Jade had trained all her life to be talented and perfect, Tori just was. It was all quite unrealistic.

However despite Tori's usual omnipresent status in Jade's life it seemed that when she actually wanted to talk to her she was absolutely nowhere to be found.

Eventually Jade stumbled upon the next best thing to Tori herself in her elder sister Trina. Trina was sitting cross-legged in the library, a rarely used room at the school, completely absorbed in _Finding Out the Hard Way: A Talentless Loser's Guide to Not Failing Entirely. _Jade snapped her out of her stupor to ask after her sister.

Trina glared at her with red-rimmed, puffy eyes. "Why do you want to know?" Trina asked. Despite roaring jealousy of late, Trina loved her sister. Tori likely didn't deserve the beating Jade's grimace implied. Of course, Jade's face had often been fixed in a grimace of late. Perhaps her face had become struck that way and Jade actually wanted to locate Tori to give her cookies and perform for her a self-composed balled regarding rainbows and butterflies.

An impatient growl escaped Jade's lips as she made a great show of slowly curling her right hand into a fist. Yeah, Trina doubted this was about cookies.

"I have a girl problem." Jade said. Trina's eyes widened.

"Oh, is that why you broke up with Beck?"

Jade's eyebrows drew together in a furrow. "What?" Trina smiled sympathetically.

"It's alright, you know the rumor mill regarding you and my sister hasn't been quiet for a long time. I'm sure most of the school will be accepting." Trina said.

"That is NOT what I meant!" Jade screeched. "I do not have problems with another girl, not like that. And if I did I could certainly do better than your ridiculously talented sister!" Jade took a deep breath. "I mean, I have a question of a girlish nature. Look, will you just tell me where she is?"

"Right…" Trina regarded her pityingly. "Whatever you say Jade. Tori mentioned she'd be holed up in the auditorium before lunch. I think she's still there. Though you should probably be warned," she added, "She's in a bit of a mood."

Jade was temporally derailed from tearing Trina to shreds. "Why's that?"

Trina shrugged, "Well, she's a talented, creative spirit isn't she? Don't want to interrupt her in the middle of a brilliant thought." She said conversationally, as if this removed Tori from all wrong-doing.

Jade nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

Tori was, in fact, in the auditorium. More specifically she was on the catwalk above the auditorium. She was deeply occupied in tearing apart the lighting fixtures that hung from the ceiling.

"Tori?" Jade called upward. Tori ripped another piece of wiring from the large lighting fixture, examined it and then tossed it into the bag strapped to her shoulder. "Tori?" Jade yelled a bit louder. This time Tori looked down.

"GO AWAY JADE!" She screeched at the top of her lungs. She scowled angrily at nothing particular before resuming her work. She did seem to be in a rather bad sort of mood. Her hair was wild, sticking out at odd angles framing her face where her dark eyes darted about sporadically. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Actually, I wanted to ask you about boys." Jade said. "I seem to find myself in need of a new boyfriend."

"HOW COULD I BE OF ANY HELP WITH THAT?" Tori growled in a feral manner at the lighting fixture. "I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND EITHER."

"Really?" Jade said smugly, looking down to hide her smile. "I thought of everyone in school, you'd be taken."

"NOT SO MUCH AS A FRICKEN' LOVE LETTER," Tori seethed. "REALLY PISSES ME OFF." Tori ended this pronouncement with a screech, tearing the ruined lighting fixture form the rod that held it and hurling it toward the stage below.

Jade jumped quickly to avoid being hit by the flying glass.

"How did you do that?" Jade balked. "It must have been welded to the bar and those lights weigh a ton."

Tori glared at her. "WELL, I'M A TALENTED, CREATIVE SPIRIT AREN'T I?"

"Right," Jade nodded quickly. "Anyway, about boys. Do you know who might make a good candidate? Some charming, good-looking, and popular?"

"HOW WOULD I KNOW? EVERYBODY IS ALWAYS AVOIDING ME NOWADAYS," Tori screeched.

"Right, that's a shocker." Jade said under her breath. "Okay, I get it. Your life sucks, but this isn't about you, it's about me. Why does it seem like there's not a single worthwhile guy in this school? It's not like I'll have trouble winning them over. I'm smart, beautiful and outrageously sexy."

"OFFLY FULL OF YOURSELF AREN'T YOU JADE. WOW, THAT PISSES ME OFF."

"Does anything not piss you?" Jade commented.

Tori froze, frowning. "I don't mind Rex so much," She said normally after a moment. "He's a very good listener."

Jade blinked. "You're actually insane aren't you?" Jade said, more astounded by Tori then she could ever remember have been before.

Tori's eye grew wild again. "WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK, JADE? I HATE YOUR FACE. EVERYBODY ELSE PROBABLY DOES TOO AND THAT'S WHY NO DECENT GUY WILL ASK YOU OUT. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I LOSE MY TEMPER AND DROWN YOU IN THE SCHOOL FOUNTAIN!"

Jade considered for a moment reminding Tori that Hollywood Arts didn't have a school fountain, but Tori had moved on to the next light fixture on the rod and she really couldn't risk marring her facial symmetry with scars created by wayward glass. Instead she spouted off some colorful parting words and exited the auditorium.

* * *

The girl's bathroom nest to the auditorium was occupied only by a preening Cat who appeared to be crushing some sort of cake into her scalp with annoying fervor. Jade considered asking but thought better of it, instead moving to the next mirror to frown lazily at her reflection.

Cat stopped her preening to look at Jade. "Hi, Jade!" She said in a cheery sort of voice that made Jade want to smash Cat's head open with an industrial sized jawbreaker.

Jade said nothing, rolling her eyes slightly before turning to the mirror in front of her. She dabbed a fourteenth coat of eye liner around the bottom lid of her eyes when she spied it, a dark figure looming behind her. The figure was untamed, wild with flashing silted eyes and what appeared to be a forked tongue flicking out the exact same color as her blindingly red hair.

"What, now I'm not good enough for you to look at?" The Cat-demon hissed, "I'll make you sorry Jade West. Sorry you were ever born." Cat growled, stepping towards her, a bit of cake rolled off her shoulder to the floor as she crouched down as if likely to pounce. Jade took a quick step back.

"Um," Jade started. "Sorry?" She said slowly.

Cat shot up strait as if she'd been tazered. Her eyes returned to normal and her tongue, which darted out to lick a bit of wayward cake off her upper lip, was a normal round shape. "Oh, that's alright Jade!" She said, cheery again. Cat giggled and turned in a quick circle. "So, how do I look?"

Jade blinked, "What?"

Cat's face twisted into a dark mask of horrifying evil. "I said, how do I look? What, you can't even answer a simple question?" Cat hissed. "Wow, are you pathetic and I can't believe you even walk the face of the Earth. In fact, perhaps we can remedy that. MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cat crackled, clutching her sides while gazing at Jade in a promisingly hatful manner.

Jae shook her head sharply. "No, I mean you look incredible. Beautiful. Lovely. Absolutely glowing. Please don't kill me."

Cat shoot back up again. "Oh really Jade? You really think so?" Jade wondered if Cat's smile was hurting the corner of her cheeks.

"Yeah, Cat. You look great." Jade said.

Cat bounced up and down clapping her hands. "Yay! And my skin? You don't think it looks blotchy?"

Jade shook her head so hard she was a little concerned a few joints might pop free. "No, absolutely not. It's crystal clear. And so soft looking! Absolutely gorgeous." Jade gushed as she slowly edged toward the door.

Cat seemed mollified. She smiled "You don't think I like tiny? Like an elf?"

"Not even a like bit. You're petite. And so thin! Guys find that majorly sexy." Jade was almost in reach of the door handle now.

"And my hair?" Cat demanded, giggling. "I've been pounding red velvet cupcakes into it all morning. I want the perfect hue. It's not too bright? Tell me the truth, I can handle it." Cat said.

Jade bit her lip. "Well, maybe just a little..."

"You pasty-faced LIAR!" Cat screeched, chucking an empty cupcake tin at Jade's head. Jade let loose a rather embossing "eep!" sound and flung herself out the doorway.

* * *

Jade could think of a lot of things she'd rather do then go to her third period history class. Like go for the world record for thickest applied eyeliner or start a campaign against smiling or shove red-hot nails through her appendages.

These feeling of self-deprecation had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact she shared this class with Beck. In fact, until the moment he walked through the door and sat down next to her in his assigned seat she had forgotten he even took history. Well, she knew he was taking it. All the juniors were stuck taking it, it was required. But she hadn't know he'd had it with her, or when he had it. No idea whatsoever.

"Um, Jade?" Beck said quietly. "You know you're talking aloud, right?"

Jade glared at him sharply. "Was not." She said. "I think your losing it, _Oliver."_

"It's common you know," Beck said with a smile. "When someone regrets their actions-"

"Actually I think that's insanity." Andre cut in. "Are you going insane Jade? Because we're your friends and would love to help."

"I regret nothing." Jade said. "Now back off you multi-talented freak. Can't you just pick something to be good at and save us all the shame?"

"My mommy says I'm special." Andre said sullenly. " You have no right to judge me based on my indecisive problem." He added scornfully.

Jade rolled her eyes delicately and frowned. Andre was alright looking. He wasn't really her type, but he was Beck's friend and them dating would bug him. He didn't seem to like her much, but aybe she just needed to be a little nicer. Jade attempted a hesitantly apologetic smile in Andre's direction.

"Jade, are you okay?" Beck asked. Jade's smile widened, it was getting to him. Deserves him right.

"I'm fine Beck." Jade said in a softer imitation of Cat's cheery voice.

Beck's eyebrows shot into his hairline. "Really? Cause you look like you might hurl and your voice was squeaking just there. Plus, your eyebrow has been twitching uncontrollably for the last two minutes."

Jade was saved replying as the door slammed open and a distressed looking Tori stomped into the room. Her eyes darted frantically about, and she appeared to be coated from the shoulder's down in a thick bright red paint. She glared dangerously at the Mrs. Crabapple. "WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? SO I'M A LITTLE LATE, IT'S NOT A CRIME!" She screeched. "STOP LOOKING AT ME!"

"Well, Tori's still in a mood." Jade said with a slight grown.

"Hey, don't go doggin' Tori. She's a talented, creative spirit." Said Andre mournfully.

"No one asked you, Jack-Of-All-Trades." Jade said.

"I don't have to decide yet! They told me I don't have to decide!" Andre cried, a lone tear rolling down his cheek.

Unfortunately, this scene appeared to have attracted Tori's attention as she turned in their direction. Tori's eyebrows arched unnaturally. "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE CAKE IN YOUR HAIR JADE?" She demanded. No one said anything, deciding to slide quietly down in their seats avoiding eye contact. "FINE, I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW ANYWAY YOU LOT OF BASTARDS!"

"Miss West," Mrs. Crabapple squeaked out from her position under her desk. "Jade, detention for upsetting Tori and coming to class with cake in your hair. Now class, um, open your textbooks to chapter sixteen."

* * *

Jade ran out of class so quickly she almost failed to notice that someone had painted PRINCIPAL EIKNER EATS PANTS in bright red across the hallway's far wall.

"Hallway looks different today." Sinjin said offhandedly as they exited the class room.

"Oh, it was probably some of TheSlap apprentices." Brady replied. "You know how they get when Robbie's in a mood."

Sinjin frowned. "Robbie's in a mood?"

"Yeah, apparently he feels overlooked and underdeveloped as a character. He was yelling at the heavens that no one knew the real him throughout first period this morning." Brady replied.

At that moment, Tori left the classroom. Brady and Sinjin raced down the hallway at record speed. Tori glared at Jade. "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM JADE? NOW THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND YOU'VE GOT TO BUTT INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS?"

"You know that you're absolutely coated in red paint?" Jade pointed out.

"YEAH." Tori screamed. "WHAT OF IT?"

"Oh, never mind. It's not worth it." Jade said with an eye roll. "Look, I could still use your advice. I need a boyfriend. Now. Why don't you just round up any cute guys you know and have them meet me in the rec room at fourth period after lunch okay?"

"OVER MY ROTTING CORPSE WILL I DO YOU ANY FAVORS!"

Jade turned away and walked down the hallway. "That'll be the day." She mumbled.

AN: Um… Yeah. I have no excuse for posting this. Flame away! Part two will be up in a couple days or so.


End file.
